How to Spot a Frenemy


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It’s no secret that we all have frenemies. You know, those “friends” who always seem to make you feel less than, criticize your every move, or act like they’re better than you? It can be very hard to deal with such situations and it’s important to remember that you are worth more than these people give you credit for. If you find yourself dealing with a frenemy, the following tips can help you to cope in a healthy way.

Firstly, take time to reflect on why this person is in your life. Are they truly a friend or are they just there because of convenience? Identifying the motivations behind their actions will be an important step in setting boundaries moving forward. It is also important to practice self-care when it comes to dealing with frenemies. Take some time away from them if need be, and have other supportive friends nearby who can provide love and support without any judgement or criticism. Find outlets for expressing yourself and developing new skills that may make you more confident so as not to rely on what others may think about your abilities and decisions.

10 Signs You Have a Frenemy:

If you've ever suspected that someone in your life may be more foe than friend, here are ten signs that could indicate a frenemy:

  1. They always seem to have something negative to say about your decisions or accomplishments.

  2. You feel you have to compete with them for attention, recognition, or approval.

  3. You’ve caught them gossiping about you behind your back.

  4. They criticize your appearance or choices, even if they do so in a seemingly “joking” manner.

  5. They take pleasure in seeing you fail or struggle.

  6. They frequently try to one-up you or show off their achievements when talking with common acquaintances.

  7. They give patronizing compliments or unsolicited advice on how to improve yourself and your life without actually helping you out and showing true support when needed.

  8. When around other people they tend to be overly friendly towards you while remaining aloof or distant when it’s just the two of you in private conversations.

  9. They often impose their own expectations on how they think things should be done, making it difficult for others to express themselves freely and openly around them.

  10. Whenever conflicts arise they avoid taking responsibility for their actions and resort to blaming others instead of trying to resolve problems through dialogue and compromise

Why Frenemy Relationships are Unhealthy:

They hurt more than they help

Frenemies can be incredibly unhealthy relationships as they can damage your self-confidence and create an environment of competition, insecurity and drama. A frenemy often has double standards when it comes to how they treat you or relate to you in comparison to others - for example praising or trying to be friendly around other people but being critical or dismissive with you. This can leave you feeling like you’re not worthy of their respect or attention. Frenemies may also take pleasure in seeing you fail or struggle, which can make it hard for you to feel comfortable attempting things without worrying about what their reaction will be. They can also have a negative impact on other relationships as well as your sense of belonging by creating a toxic atmosphere that is focused on manipulative power dynamics rather than genuine care and understanding. All of this makes having a frenemy highly unproductive, emotionally draining and potentially damaging to yourself and the people around you.

How to Cut Ties with a Frenemy:

Ending a frenemy relationship can be challenging as this type of interaction often involves complex emotions and power dynamics. It is important to recognize that it is okay to take a step back from the relationship in order to protect your mental health and wellbeing. Here are some tips for ending a frenemy relationship:

  1. Be direct and honest when communicating with them. Let them know how you feel and why you want to end the relationship, without being aggressive or accusatory.

  2. Avoid trying to argue or debate with them, as this will only lead to further conflict and unnecessary drama.

  3. Respect their feelings, even if they don’t reciprocate the same respect towards you.

  4. Set clear boundaries on what areas are off-limits in conversation, such as talking about personal issues that may be triggering for both of you.

  5. Give yourself permission to walk away if the conversation becomes too heated or uncomfortable, or if it fails to reach resolution despite multiple attempts at reconciliation.

  6. Take time for yourself afterwards - surround yourself with supportive people who care about your well-being rather than engaging in emotional venting with someone who only exacerbates your stress level further.

In conclusion, ending a frenemy relationship can be difficult and emotionally taxing. However, it is important to remember that setting boundaries and taking care of your own mental health is essential in any situation. Taking the time to reflect on the situation and being honest with yourself as well as with the other person can help bring clarity and provide closure to what was once an unhealthy relationship. By approaching this difficult discussion with compassion and understanding, you can take back control of your life and put yourself in a healthier environment where you can focus on positivity instead of conflict. It may not be easy, but it will ultimately be worth the effort.

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Deseray Wilson, LMHC

Deseray is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who’s committed to helping Black women learn how to lighten the load. When she created Anxious Black Girls, her mission was to create safe spaces where Black women could break generational patterns that normalize stress, overworking, overthinking, unhealthy relationship patterns and the lack of empathy for self, so they have the capacity to develop healthy habits and relationships, accept help, and feel empowered to live freely in their greatness without the burden of having to figure it out on their own.

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